Being Scared

I spend a good portion of my time wondering what would happen if I did something, either in terms of work or personal things. I can anguish over a simple question for hours, days, weeks and even months. I know I’m not alone.

I decided late last year I wanted to go freelance, just after my .net award actually. I knew I had to do the difficult thing and tell my friends at work that I just had to go. I knew it was the right thing for me, but I just sat there for 3 months wondering how it would happen, just hoping something significant happened, meaning my departure would be more welcome than me staying. Nothing happened.

It turns out waiting was the better thing to do. In the time waiting for my mind to tell to my mouth to speak up and deliver the news, I did some great projects and further broadened my knowledge and skill set.

As I knew the day would come sooner or later, I opened myself up to every opportunity that came my way. I knew it would mean working 20 hour days for a few months, but it was a way of forcing myself to make a decision. I could not keep that up for long, so something had to give, and the day job was it.

Being scared was, in this case, a good thing. It meant the transition from one life to another was made a little easier by the beginning of the next one being filled with what it needed to be filled with; work. When my livelihood is at stake, the only solution was to work too much.

From a personal point of things, I spend far to long anguishing over a simple question to someone, the question usually being along the lines of ‘Can I meet you for coffee?’. Believe me though, that doesn’t happen often. Being scared then also seems to work out for the best. In the time between wanting to ask someone for something like that and getting round to having the guts to actually click send on that message I’ve typed a hundred times, I often find something about that person that makes me change my entire outlook on them. For the best I guess.

When I deliver news I’ve sat on for ages or ask someone that fateful question, you can bet I have a grande long-term vision of what the future would hold if the outcome is one that leans in favour of my initial thought.

Being scared means what comes out of my mouth has validity in my mind, and I am content with it. Being scared means I am sure that what I’m about to say is something that I am sure will have a valid goodness to it. Being scared means know what I want, when the words emerge from the dark corners of my mind.

I realise this makes me a lesser being the planet, but we can’t all go saying what we want to anyone.

I set my goals, I chase them, but I do it with questionable caution. I like being scared. It works for me.